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This is my favorite book for helping people have dialogue around very difficult situations. Scott gives techniques & structures to use in several situations that require approches that get to the heart of a matter without WWIII. I have given this book to 8 people in professional fields, however it is a great book for families who need to have fierce conversations. Ms. She also has a sense of humor and drops in little gems of wisdom throughout the book that I use all the time. I highly recommend this book to anyone needing to have a fierce conversation or to prepare for one.
She reminds us that a good, productive conversation on a difficult matter requires a lot of preparation and practice.She has some very explicit "how tos" that other reviewers have covered so I will touch on just two that hit home for me: Be responsive for the emotional wake created by one's remarks; and, talk directly to the person one is having a problem with, rather than a third party. I give this book three stars, even though I think the content is quite good - maybe even five star. Historians think everything is history, biologists think everything is biology, many think everything is GOD, and Susan Scott thinks everything (in the human world at least) is the result of conversation. My other small complaint is the title of the book. Yes. Hard, that last one.What I didn't like was almost constant references to the importance of each CEO she "converses" with. I will have a hard time getting gentle souls (not me, as you might guess) to read this book, people who might really enjoy the content,because the title will be off-putting to them.
Was Susan conversing with me, or was she "training" me. I liked Susan's premis about the importance of conversation, including the leavening effect of silence and listening. I reserve four and five stars for books that not only have excellent content, but also have a humble, searching tone consistent with the message. This is so common in self help books - as though the writer has to prove she has a formidable network and is "connected." It is a kind of self-advertising which I find a little offensive and a little pretentious (hope this does not create an emotional wake). I just don't like the word "fierce" no matter how it is defined in the dictionary - at least in reference to conversations. Wow. That's exactly it.
Every manager should read Fierce Conversations. Many times I felt the author was writing about me.
As she correctly points out, most people prefer that others be completely truthful. It must also be sufficient as well as relevant, given the situation. Scott describes this as a shared, reciprocal "interrogation of reality" and suggests that it be guided and informed by seven principles. As she uses the term and explains in the first chapter of Fierce Conversations, "fierce" is synonymous with "robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed, and untamed."At work and in our personal lives, we engage in conversations (or at least have interactions) dozens of times each day.
And in Denial of Death, Ernest Becker asserts that, although physical death is inevitable for everyone eventually, there is one death that can be denied: that which occurs when we become wholly preoccupied with fulfilling others' expectations of us.Scott urges her reader to "start each day by choosing one of the Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations as your focus for the day. Then begin again, from the top. The "User's Guide" (Pages 267-287) has been added.I read this book when it was first published in 2001 and then re-read it after reading Susan Scott's more recent book, Fierce Leadership. In fact, that is a prerequisite for establishing and then sustaining trust. This is an immensely complicated subject, one that requires meticulous care with regard to definition of terms, especially terms of engagement.
In what I consider to be his most valuable book, The Book, Alan Watts examines those who cannot overcome the "taboo" to know and be who they are. (She devotes a separate chapter to each). However, for various reasons, most people find it very difficult to be completely truthful. What Scott proposes will be very difficult for most people, as she well realizes.
Note: The review that follows is of the Updated with New Material edition (2004). For example, as Richard Tedlow suggests in his most recent book, Denial, many people are unwilling and/or unable to "face the facts," especially harsh realities. In her book, Scott cites dozens of examples of people who are unable to "speak to power," who employ what she calls "the corporate nod" to evade a stronger commitment, who neither fish nor cut bait, etc. Start with the first one and work your way through them.No matter which principles you choose to practice, in just one week, you will have practiced all seven principles. I am also convinced that, in face-to-face encounters, 75-80% of the impact is the result of body language and tone-of-voice, with only 20-25% the result of what is actually said. So I presume to add my own emphasis on patience as well as persistence, on being honest with yourself as well as with others, and on trusting what in fact you really can accomplish as well as trusting in the seven principles as you master them.Those who share my high regard for this book are urged to check out two co-authored by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. The challenge for us is two-fold: to always be truthful, and, to require others always to be truthful.
They are Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High and Crucial Confrontations: Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior. My own experience suggests that, more often than not, people are selectively truthful or evasive rather than dishonest. As Scott correctly suggests, it requires courage to develop and then strengthen a "fierce" mindset, one with strict accountability to ensure that whatever (and however) one communicates, the "message" (whether initiated or responsive) is honest. Imagine the shifts in your conversation and, therefore, your relationships as you become skilled at [them]." My earlier reference to courage was deliberate. Also Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, and Christine Pearson and Christine Porath's The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility Is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It.
When one of my clients needs to speak with an employee, a board member, or a business partner, I conclude our coaching session by adding, "And read Susan Scott's Fierce Conversations." Without fail, my clients report back that the book not only helped with the specific situation, but with all their interactions. One client said the book inspired one of his best-ever conversation with his wife, and now he loves her more than ever. Another client said he feels more confident approaching all his workplace discussions. And I value the book for Scott's sage wisdom, "The conversation is the relationship." This quick and easy read is a must for those who value workplace excellence and strong, honest relationships throughout their lives.
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